Joke of the day 02

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made 

a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?" 

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."

Joke of the day

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

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3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?"

Finding your ideal relationship begins with an honest assessment of yourself. This involves a full understanding of your strengths and weaknesses and knowing what you can offer in a relationship. If you are a person with complete self-confidence, you should have the courage to objectively and impartially view yourself as you really are, not as you wish you could be. You just have to accept the truth about yourself.

You are likely to have your distinctive characteristics and qualities, and those which you have developed till this moment. These make you very worthy of a close relationship. You tend to attract someone who shares many of your characteristics, and unlikely to attract one who is so different in character. If you want to attract an outstanding person who is very much better than an average person, you have to be one yourself.

It’s important that you be carefully selective about whom you want to closely associate yourself with. It’s in your best interests to mix with the right people, and stay away from those who are negative, those who are repeatedly critical of others and those who constantly complain about anyone and anything. What you want are people who accept you for who you are, those who actively support what you do and those with whom you share mutual respect.

Stop living in the past!!

We know the past is gone and there isn’t much we can do about it, yet we spend considerable amount of time thinking of the past, and often wish things could have been different and better. Everyone does it not without their own good reasons. To some, recalling a past event still causes them emotional or mental suffering or distress. For others, it’s a feeling of pleasure or deep affection for a period in the past.

Most often we feel a lot of anger towards someone for something they did to us or for their failure to do something for us. It could have made an enormous difference to our life if they had not done or had done that something for us. Or one of or both our parents treated us very badly as a child. Whatever the reason, we are unforgiving and that precisely is the reason that a past event can engross our mind to the exclusion of other thoughts. That is unhealthy mentally unless we learn to forgive and free ourselves.

There are times we harbour a feeling of sadness and guilt about something we did or something we didn’t do. We disclosed to a friend some highly personal information which we later regretted telling. Or we delayed our last monthly visit to our mother and she passed away before we could visit her. Since then, we have been feeling the sharp pang of regret for delaying the visit as if we knew beforehand of her impending demise. Such feelings of guilt and sorrow can only continue to haunt us for as long as we remember or think of it.